Et tu, Jennifer? Et tu...
Twenty-three (minus six) reasons why Elektra is the worst movie ever:
Pros:
-Jennifer Garner running around in a skimpy bustier/corset thinger. This is an obvious pandering to the T&A-loving prepubescent boy demographic, but hey, what can I say, it's classic, and it works. Some of us never grow out of that stage.
-Not altogether crappy choreography in the first "training" fight/sparring sequence.
-Goran Visnjic...eye candy for the ladies, but goddamn, I keep thinking he's going to ask for a 100cc bolus, stat. (OK, I guess they don't really say "stat" much on er, and what I just said probably made no medical sense, but still.)
-Seems to pay homage to one of the finest films ever made, Leon: the Professional. Wait, when it's a blatant rip-off, is that homage? "No women, no kids...that's the rules."
-The fancy compound bow assembly scene is kind of cool and mechanical. But the actual thing looks stupid and geeky.
Cons:
-Crappy dialogue: "But I have nowhere to go!" Nigga, please.
-Crappy comic booky storyline
-Crappy character development
-Way too friggen "hollywood"
-Oh, but the hero has a tragic flaw! OCD? It's so Shakespearean!
-Jennifer Garner, while very hot, is in certain scenes here, the manliest hottie I've ever seen...except for maybe Linda Hamilton in the Terminator
-Terence Stamp as the old wizened martial arts master? WTF?
-Crappy dialogue "Whoa, how did you do that?" Bitch, I'm a superhero.
-Crappy dream/flashback sequences
-Can anyone really do one-handed pullups? is that humanly possible? Oh wait, superhero...forgot...
-Crappy dialogue "If you don't, I'll just keep breaking into your house." Oh, the shit be ON now.
-OMG, Goran Visnjic is the love interest! I didn't see THAT coming! Oh, the writing!
-Isn't there some superhero code that you're not supposed to just bust out your super powers all willy-nilly and in front of regular mundane non-superhero people?
-Crappy script/screenplay: OMG, she has to kill the love interest! but it's for a "lot of coin"(see next item)! Didn't see this plot element coming either!
-Crappy dialogue "But it's for a lot of coin!" Bitch betta ha-ah mah mon-NAY!
-Crappy over-the-top background music
-Crappy dialogue "this was back in...Baltimore"
-OK, can the Matrix "Bullet time" thing be any more played out? Come on guys, that's SO 1999.
-I really don't want to beat a dead horse here, but the dialogue is really really bad.
-I would LOVE to see this movie at Brew 'n View at the Vic in Chicago. (It's one of those places that serves beer and they play bad movies, and people yell smart-ass drunk remarks at the movie. Fun.)
-That guy balancing the coin on edge on his finger while he walks? If there's a bad-guy minion dork losers club, this guy is the president.
-Wow, bad guy hirearchal power struggle...the evil asian supernatural forces of evil (wait, asians are at the root of the evil forces in the universe? Ah, it all makes sense now...and the trainer of the forces of good are a blind white marital arts master...it's all beginning to gel...) have a fancy conference room with a mahogany conference table, this is too funny! And what about the name? "The Hand"?! The greatest evil geniuses in the universe, and the best they can do is "The Hand"?! Come on, there's got to be at least ONE evil copywriter/marketing guy in the world! Really, makes me think of the Jay/Silent Bob masturbation reference "the band of the hand". Teehee. I will say that the "kiss of death" chick ("Typhoid", (see? I couldn't make this shit up...this is weak, even by lower-than-life cheesy comic-book standards) Natassia Malthe) does have a mighty and fearful cleavage.I always knew I had a thing for Norwegian women...
-OK, it's starting to bug me that the only people in this who are adept at the martial arts are the white people...You don't see me making a movie about white basketball/football players, do you? Hrm? It's okay, really...it's not like we invented the goddamn martial arts or anything, sheesh. And yet there was no uproar from the NAACP...colored people, my ass. They should be the NAADCP, with the "D" standing for "darkly".
-Where's the justice in letting her agent guy stick around to fend off the uber baddies with a little tiny over/under shotgun?! For chrissakes, it's not even a pump-action or repeater! And movie people LOVE pump actions! Just cause she doesn't want to make out with him, it's OK to leave him to die? Women are so self-serving...
Holy crap. the bi hottie kissing action almost makes up for all the crappiness. Seriously, I was laughing just about the whole movie, then they lay this on me. I have to excuse myself for 38 seconds...be right back...and for heaven's sake ladies, let's have more tongue!
And no, no one urinated in my corn flakes...I woke up in a fabulous mood, this is really just that bad a film. However, I was definitely less inclined toward criticism after the girls kissing...maybe they should have started the film with it. And Ms. Garner really does have an incredible physique; abs, legs, back...noticed that repeatedly throughout the film...as well as a tangibly (almost caricatureish) swivel-hipped gait...yum.
Ah well, onward ho.
Pros:
-Jennifer Garner running around in a skimpy bustier/corset thinger. This is an obvious pandering to the T&A-loving prepubescent boy demographic, but hey, what can I say, it's classic, and it works. Some of us never grow out of that stage.
-Not altogether crappy choreography in the first "training" fight/sparring sequence.
-Goran Visnjic...eye candy for the ladies, but goddamn, I keep thinking he's going to ask for a 100cc bolus, stat. (OK, I guess they don't really say "stat" much on er, and what I just said probably made no medical sense, but still.)
-Seems to pay homage to one of the finest films ever made, Leon: the Professional. Wait, when it's a blatant rip-off, is that homage? "No women, no kids...that's the rules."
-The fancy compound bow assembly scene is kind of cool and mechanical. But the actual thing looks stupid and geeky.
Cons:
-Crappy dialogue: "But I have nowhere to go!" Nigga, please.
-Crappy comic booky storyline
-Crappy character development
-Way too friggen "hollywood"
-Oh, but the hero has a tragic flaw! OCD? It's so Shakespearean!
-Jennifer Garner, while very hot, is in certain scenes here, the manliest hottie I've ever seen...except for maybe Linda Hamilton in the Terminator
-Terence Stamp as the old wizened martial arts master? WTF?
-Crappy dialogue "Whoa, how did you do that?" Bitch, I'm a superhero.
-Crappy dream/flashback sequences
-Can anyone really do one-handed pullups? is that humanly possible? Oh wait, superhero...forgot...
-Crappy dialogue "If you don't, I'll just keep breaking into your house." Oh, the shit be ON now.
-OMG, Goran Visnjic is the love interest! I didn't see THAT coming! Oh, the writing!
-Isn't there some superhero code that you're not supposed to just bust out your super powers all willy-nilly and in front of regular mundane non-superhero people?
-Crappy script/screenplay: OMG, she has to kill the love interest! but it's for a "lot of coin"(see next item)! Didn't see this plot element coming either!
-Crappy dialogue "But it's for a lot of coin!" Bitch betta ha-ah mah mon-NAY!
-Crappy over-the-top background music
-Crappy dialogue "this was back in...Baltimore"
-OK, can the Matrix "Bullet time" thing be any more played out? Come on guys, that's SO 1999.
-I really don't want to beat a dead horse here, but the dialogue is really really bad.
-I would LOVE to see this movie at Brew 'n View at the Vic in Chicago. (It's one of those places that serves beer and they play bad movies, and people yell smart-ass drunk remarks at the movie. Fun.)
-That guy balancing the coin on edge on his finger while he walks? If there's a bad-guy minion dork losers club, this guy is the president.
-Wow, bad guy hirearchal power struggle...the evil asian supernatural forces of evil (wait, asians are at the root of the evil forces in the universe? Ah, it all makes sense now...and the trainer of the forces of good are a blind white marital arts master...it's all beginning to gel...) have a fancy conference room with a mahogany conference table, this is too funny! And what about the name? "The Hand"?! The greatest evil geniuses in the universe, and the best they can do is "The Hand"?! Come on, there's got to be at least ONE evil copywriter/marketing guy in the world! Really, makes me think of the Jay/Silent Bob masturbation reference "the band
-OK, it's starting to bug me that the only people in this who are adept at the martial arts are the white people...You don't see me making a movie about white basketball/football players, do you? Hrm? It's okay, really...it's not like we invented the goddamn martial arts or anything, sheesh. And yet there was no uproar from the NAACP...colored people, my ass. They should be the NAADCP, with the "D" standing for "darkly".
-Where's the justice in letting her agent guy stick around to fend off the uber baddies with a little tiny over/under shotgun?! For chrissakes, it's not even a pump-action or repeater! And movie people LOVE pump actions! Just cause she doesn't want to make out with him, it's OK to leave him to die? Women are so self-serving...
Holy crap. the bi hottie kissing action almost makes up for all the crappiness. Seriously, I was laughing just about the whole movie, then they lay this on me. I have to excuse myself for 38 seconds...be right back...and for heaven's sake ladies, let's have more tongue!
And no, no one urinated in my corn flakes...I woke up in a fabulous mood, this is really just that bad a film. However, I was definitely less inclined toward criticism after the girls kissing...maybe they should have started the film with it. And Ms. Garner really does have an incredible physique; abs, legs, back...noticed that repeatedly throughout the film...as well as a tangibly (almost caricatureish) swivel-hipped gait...yum.
Ah well, onward ho.
posted by Gene at 5:57 PM
1 Comments:
Haha, no way! That's the fastest I've ever gotten a comment! Get a life! (Like I should talk, huh?)
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